Everything You Resist Will Stick Around
For many years I resisted my fatigue. THIS ISN’T ME, DAMNIT!! Before my “health crisis” I was unstoppable. Superwoman, Bree Van de kamp, Martha Stewart - I could rival them all. My energy was boundless. In retrospect, it was a bit manic though, too.
Then all of a sudden the energetic “wind” was completely knocked out of me. I found myself barely able to pack the kids’ lunches or muster the energy to pick them up from school, much less create and host elaborate birthday parties or spend my mornings at the gym sweating my butt off to achieve the perfect figure.
Once I came to the unfortunate conclusion that whatever was making me so tired wasn’t an acute, easily treatable illness and instead was turning out to be something more chronic, the battle inside me ensued. I’ll overhaul my diet, I’ll take all the supplements, I’ll consult endless practitioners, I’ll do everything in my power to heal, but I’m not going to accept this fatigue! It’s not mine.
So, I resisted. I would find myself unable to get out of bed after 9 hours of sleep; or I would feel the need to take a nap at 10am or 2pm or 6pm or all of the above… and I would get angry. Or sometimes I would get scared. And other times I would get sad or frustrated.
The dialogue going on in my head seems comical to me now. “Hmmmm, I’m not tired right now. Cool.” “Wait a second, what’s happening, I thought I wasn’t tired but I swear my eyes are getting heavy.” “What the heck?” “Come on!” “Crap, now I’m going to have to find a way to fit in a nap or I won’t be able to manage the kids this afternoon.” “Maybe this nap will give me enough energy to get to the grocery store and back and then I can lie down again if I need to.” “Why should I need to do that?!” “I should be able to get through a full day, damnit! I take care of myself. I eat perfectly. I sleep 9 hours at night. I manage my stress.” “Geez!”
Resistance. That’s what resistance looks like. It sure wasn’t acceptance and by resisting I gave the fatigue even more reason to stay. All that manic energy I used to have was now being used up on the mental dialogue going on in my head! Speaking of manic, I mean, what was I really trying to accomplish with those picture-perfect toddler birthday parties? Who was I trying to impress with my slightly more muscular physique? My husband certainly didn’t care. He loved me unconditionally (and still does).
Maybe the body’s signal to rest was a message from my wise inner guide that it was time to slow down and figure out what really matters. This can only be done by learning to sit in stillness and breathe. Now that I recognize how to lean into the fatigue and appreciate its guidance I’ve found that my energy is being replenished. And it’s not a manic energy. It’s a gloriously calm energy. It doesn’t carry me through the entire day, but I don’t think it’s meant to. Relaxation, siesta, replenishment, meditation - whatever the name or form, periods of quiet stillness during the day are as crucial to our wellbeing as the food we eat and the air we breathe. I fully accept my fatigue.
THIS WEEK: See if you can begin to accept rather than resist your symptoms of dis-ease. A dear friend of mine, Julie Edge (new blog going soon), came up with this mantra: “I notice my tiredness [insert your most challenging symptom]. I embrace and welcome it. It’s a sign of a greater purpose at work.”
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